Saturday, March 28, 2009


My parents divorced after first grade. I saw my mother only twice a year until I was in middle school. I always, always felt a deep unending pain that prickled my heart until I moved to California. I don't feel prickles in my heart now. I don't feel emptiness not having a mother. I don't feel envy watching other women have relationships with their mothers. I used to, but not anymore. I have cried rivers over it, and done the work to heal the loss. Now I am just working on letting go of the judgment I have towards my mother for being such a broken person and the parallel judgments I have for myself that may remind myself of her.
But, in this I have a little girl who is asking about who my mommy is. She lists everyone in her family as we are driving in the car, and there is a big blank for her when we get to my side of things. What do I say to her? Because I think when you are almost 5, there can't be any logical reason you cut out the center of your universe.
I tell her I don't talk to my mommy because she is sick.
She thinks about this and so far it is enough.
But someday when she is older, she will realize I made a decision to cut my mother out of my life on purpose. And I don't know what comes after that. What kind of conversations that will spark. What kind of feelings she may have knowing people make those kinds of decisions. But, there is no doubt we will do that together.

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