Tuesday, October 4, 2011

An Anniversary...






I am coming upon the one year mark of my life radically changing course. I did not think this anniversary would have any kind of impact for me. In fact I thought it would be a relief. I am noticing however moving so quickly into fall, that I remember almost nothing of the weather last year, but vividly remember so much pain that I found almost nothing of my normal life recognizable. I exercised deep trust knowing I would not get lost in that place, and lose myself. I am remembering now, how I choose all of the actors and scenes on the stage of my creation. I am reflecting now at how completely and lovingly I choose to shift everything. I did not understand then how I was the master of my own orchestra. I only saw myself get swept away with heartache, despair, grief and betrayal. I now tenderly thank my past partner for having the courage to gift me so deeply. I thank his new partner for being part of my miracle. I hold myself when more tears flow as I think of how you, me, us, all do such human things to each other. I tried putting labels on everyone's actions this past year in an attempt to skirt my own feelings of loss and responsibility. But I kept on opening to the grief and found that all I had left was the love. And in love for myself, I discovered that all of my disruptions are self-created events to open my heart to more loving. Trying to find our way through suffering, humanness, dualistic thinking; these are the gifts of unimaginable depths. I had no idea a short year ago. I had no idea what I was capable of. I had no idea of the road ahead. I had no idea that it was not about good or bad, right or wrong. It is about the love. How far can our heart expand to accept and love what is happening in front of our eyes? An infinite amount is my answer. And now, as I have said my sad goodbyes to a life and a love I thought would last, I am full of tenderness for us all. I am filled with a knowing  that we all have the capacity for transformation from our most difficult experiences. Life is a series of gifts. I am teary with gratitude for all of mine.

17 comments:

Rachael said...

What a beautiful post. I had no idea.. I came to your blog for the food. I don't know anything about what you are referencing, but I am very moved, reading these words. I don't even know why.. but the lump in my throat...

I really like the top picture, too. It's perfectly lovely.

Becky said...

You've certainly turned lemons in to lemonade... perfect for a food blog!

In all seriousness, I have so much love in my heart for you, you're a real inspiration, Jess.

moonmama said...

i honor you so deeply jess! thank you for sharing your deepest process so honestly <3

Anonymous said...

you are exquisite in every single way. i am blessed, deeply, that you are one of my dearest friends.

Jessica said...

Thank you, all of you. I am honored you came and read my little slice of happenings.

Anonymous said...

Ah, Jess, this makes all of our hearts expand right along with yours...You are embodying the beauty of what it is to be human. Love you tons....n

tracingterroir said...

Thanks for sharing your heart and being vulnerable with your posts. I enjoy your posts for the food just as much as for the honesty.

Be well!
-Camille

Anonymous said...

Just reread this for some inspiration. In awe of you and your beautiful metamorphosis.

Sheila said...

I've been reading your blog for about two years now. As proof of my devotion, I offer this evidence: I make your oven carrot fries about every other week or so.

In spite of this, I've never gotten around to leaving a comment -- about you, about how much I love your recipes, your writing, and the pictures of your lovely daughter.

I wanted to do so now and congratulate you on your "year anniversary". I know you've undergone some major changes in the past year, but I hope you know that there were people on your side -- total strangers -- through all of those changes and difficulties.

Wishing you the best as we move into the holiday season!

Jessica said...

Sheila; tearing up! Thank you for the kind comment. I am sorry I have been lagging on posts..but I am developing a new blog hopefully launching in a month or so! Hope you had a lovely holiday. xo
jessica

CC said...

Beautiful, Jessica. So glad Megan led me to your blog today. Gorgeous photos, too.

Jessica said...

CC thank you. Looking forward to cooking for you at Polly's :)

Anonymous said...

I found your blog a few months ago. I love this blog and hope you will continue to post. Such heartfelt triumph and wonderful food.

Return to Sunday Supper℠ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Return to Sunday Supper℠ said...

I was at a restaurant in Cincinnati tonight and I told our mutual friend Bren, about my blog and she told me about yours. Looking forward to following...looks delicious and inspiring!

Melanie C. Jones said...

Thank you for posting...with every loss I have found more of myself. Thank you for reminding me how our hearts expand despite the pain.Trusting the process of life is everything. Grief is an amazing teacher, not my first pick but none the less, profound lessons are learned, embraced. we then are forever changed... becoming more in love with who were are born to be. Sending you good thoughts. Melanie

Jessica said...

Melanie..thank you! It is nice to hear from you too that sometimes our deepest experiences, the ones that shake us to our core are the most profound places to shift how we love ourselves. I laughed when you said "grief not being your first pick" because yes, I fill with trepidation still thinking about its power :). Deep appreciation for your comment. xo

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