Tuesday, October 4, 2011
I am coming upon the one year mark of my life radically changing course. I did not think this anniversary would have any kind of impact for me. In fact I thought it would be a relief. I am noticing however moving so quickly into fall, that I remember almost nothing of the weather last year, but vividly remember so much pain that I found almost nothing of my normal life recognizable. I exercised deep trust knowing I would not get lost in that place, and lose myself. I am remembering now, how I choose all of the actors and scenes on the stage of my creation. I am reflecting now at how completely and lovingly I choose to shift everything. I did not understand then how I was the master of my own orchestra. I only saw myself get swept away with heartache, despair, grief and betrayal. I now tenderly thank my past partner for having the courage to gift me so deeply. I thank his new partner for being part of my miracle. I hold myself when more tears flow as I think of how you, me, us, all do such human things to each other. I tried putting labels on everyone's actions this past year in an attempt to skirt my own feelings of loss and responsibility. But I kept on opening to the grief and found that all I had left was the love. And in love for myself, I discovered that all of my disruptions are self-created events to open my heart to more loving. Trying to find our way through suffering, humanness, dualistic thinking; these are the gifts of unimaginable depths. I had no idea a short year ago. I had no idea what I was capable of. I had no idea of the road ahead. I had no idea that it was not about good or bad, right or wrong. It is about the love. How far can our heart expand to accept and love what is happening in front of our eyes? An infinite amount is my answer. And now, as I have said my sad goodbyes to a life and a love I thought would last, I am full of tenderness for us all. I am filled with a knowing that we all have the capacity for transformation from our most difficult experiences. Life is a series of gifts. I am teary with gratitude for all of mine.