Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Vulnerability is the beauty I am leaning on these days

Yesterday on facebook my friend had a quote up. I skim past most quotes on facebook, but this one touched on a thought that has been with me lately. "Let go or be dragged"- zen proverb. I thought about the myriad of moments in my life I have watched pass by me, as I chose to be dragged. Like when I chose security over love. Pretty house over passion. The idea of a "successful" life while I sat on the sidelines choosing never to really play. I am not suggesting that we have to choose one over another, but I am sharing with you that I did. It started in earnest, this particular examination, when I met with a well known chef in San Francisco to discuss some farm to table dinners I am organizing. In his early 30's, he reflected back to me some big things I felt I had abandoned in myself while being a stay at home mother. And now I look back to an entire decade that is now gone as I watch myself at 40. I cried walking away from meeting with that chef. His youth not yet spent. Judging myself at that moment, I was feeling big parts of my "prime years" now gone. I don't know exactly why that moment with that stranger hit me so hard. I imagine it might have been because he is in the food world and that hits close to the bone. And logically, I know the could/would/should line I take is of no use. And yet, I am still noticing the new grey hair I have, or how much older I now look in photos. I have checked in with most of my girlfriends about this. They all seem to have bits of this in their own version as they approach mid-life. And then one night at dinner with a friend, I hit upon how my lack of vulnerability in order to stay safe and protected has held me back from my own life and my own beauty. And couldn't a life broken open be the perfect avenue to be mid-life and vulnerable. Vulnerability is the beauty I am leaning on these days. Beyond the impermanence of physical beauty and beyond the regrets. It ushers in a timeless moment that now I can embrace. Surely I will tremble with trepidation while feeling vulnerable, but I know through and through I will be living fully while I do it.

M and I went to San Francisco recently to film a mother's day ad for Dare I say M was in all her glory. It was a super fun day, all in part to my sister who works for wantful. Thank you aunt Danielle for making it happen!

1 comment:

chrispete said...

My dear daughter, please do not despair. Even though everything you say is true about your life and where you are, one of the things you will learn is that until your last day on earth, it is never too late. Take it from one who has started his life over more times than I can count. There may be no do overs, but there are always new paths to take and the fact you are now over 40 will not prevent you from taking any of them. The fact you now see things differently will allow you to experience these new paths in a much more fulfilling way than you would have ten or twenty years ago. Just believe your father is right about this and have fun.


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