Yesterday on facebook my friend had a quote up. I skim past most quotes on facebook, but this one touched on a thought that has been with me lately. "Let go or be dragged"- zen proverb. I thought about the myriad of moments in my life I have watched pass by me, as I chose to be dragged. Like when I chose security over love. Pretty house over passion. The idea of a "successful" life while I sat on the sidelines choosing never to really play. I am not suggesting that we have to choose one over another, but I am sharing with you that I did. It started in earnest, this particular examination, when I met with a well known chef in San Francisco to discuss some farm to table dinners I am organizing. In his early 30's, he reflected back to me some big things I felt I had abandoned in myself while being a stay at home mother. And now I look back to an entire decade that is now gone as I watch myself at 40. I cried walking away from meeting with that chef. His youth not yet spent. Judging myself at that moment, I was feeling big parts of my "prime years" now gone. I don't know exactly why that moment with that stranger hit me so hard. I imagine it might have been because he is in the food world and that hits close to the bone. And logically, I know the could/would/should line I take is of no use. And yet, I am still noticing the new grey hair I have, or how much older I now look in photos. I have checked in with most of my girlfriends about this. They all seem to have bits of this in their own version as they approach mid-life. And then one night at dinner with a friend, I hit upon how my lack of vulnerability in order to stay safe and protected has held me back from my own life and my own beauty. And couldn't a life broken open be the perfect avenue to be mid-life and vulnerable. Vulnerability is the beauty I am leaning on these days. Beyond the impermanence of physical beauty and beyond the regrets. It ushers in a timeless moment that now I can embrace. Surely I will tremble with trepidation while feeling vulnerable, but I know through and through I will be living fully while I do it.
M and I went to San Francisco recently to film a mother's day ad for wantful.com. Dare I say M was in all her glory. It was a super fun day, all in part to my sister who works for wantful. Thank you aunt Danielle for making it happen!